"when we're you going to tell me? "
" you'd have seen
it or I would have published one way or the other "I hate this. I really do. This one is for you. Is this a mistake? Something I'd regret? After all that's my natural gift. Regretting things. Sigh. Here goes nothing... More like everything. I'm admitting it while craving a cup of coffee . How could I have been so blind? so conceited?
Dear, damn do I even a right to use that? Hi. So I don't know how to start, but you should know that I regret it. I write this with a blend of sadness and hope for what was lost and what might be recovered . Oh hell I do. I am sorry ,I hurt you (do I even have a right to say that?) I did something stupid. Really stupid. No I don't have another life growing in my stomach . I just couldn't handle it and had to go there. You know that place? where it's cold? and well ,
where there is the illusion of control? Yes that place. Where you constantly have to set the bar higher so you'd be in charge. Yes I've been there for far too long that I suspect I have ruined it all and I hate that my fears might be the reality .
Why did you go there you ask ? Well when you're scared of things, scenes, feelings , reality and being lost you create a coping mechanism . Well it was mine. I'm tired of running and hiding. Of what use is living if you constantly have to hold on to a persona? We did it though . I let it go. Yes, we (you, I,) You played a major role in this. What I do fear is that in healing, I caused irreparable damage . You should know that I'm wayyyyyy better now. Look at me yapping as though you're reading this through .Sometimes I want to revert because you know it's safer, predictable , there are no surprises and you rule, you reign there but you also shrivel up and die slowly , disconnected from everyone and everything constantly feeding on poison. I don't want it. Not anymore .
So here are my regrets . Not breathing, not creating memories, freezing you out , being defensive , not saying the things that I deeply wanted to say. I'm sorry and I mean it. Just thought you should know, it's one day at a time and who knows maybe it'll get better, maybe it won't but that's what this is all about ( insert the semicolon that I can't seem to find at the moment 🤕) being free. This is freedom and part of the reason I'm here is because of you.
Baby steps. Baby Steps maybe you'd be here , maybe you won't be , I won't force it. I'm learning to live and it's beautiful. Thank you . Everything isn't butterfly and rainbows but I love the rain.
Photo source :Pinterest
P.s there's beauty in everything and yes it's really for you . I hope you still read and notice my weak attempt at bravery. Someday I'd be dauntless to say it to your face . Till then accept this while I dance
For Micheal Angelo
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